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By Zach Sokol
As we all know, there are endless options of what to do on a Saturday night here at NYU. This is especially true in regards to consuming alcohol, be it at bars, clubs, concerts or alone in your bedroom. Your first two years at NYU typically mean you’re not of legal drinking age, but you’re realistically going to get a shitty fake ID and later a bullet-proof, weapons-grade piece of plastic that requires a loan to afford (but it was Case Liquid Glitter Inc Spigen Htc – Crystal 11 U totallyworth it). NYU Local has already detailed the dos and don’ts of faux identification. We know you used those tips to get into Dallas BBQ and make out with that Hayden biddy. You’re welcome. Anyway, we never told you how you should respond when your ID is inevitably turned down or taken away (gasp!).
I personally have never committed a crime or even tried a sip of alcohol — I’ve heard it tastes like sins? — but when it comes to keeping it real, I learned from the best. We’ve all seeing the pleading, flirting and begging outside of Brother Jimmy’s in Union Square. Don’t be that fool. Let’s figure out the right thing to do when the bouncers at Webster Hall snatch your ticket into the playground known as greater Manhattan.
The (Failed) Flirt: One of the first things you might try when the big, bad bouncer takes your ID is to flirt your way out of the situation. You will sweet-talk, like, “Hey I think you’re really cute and if you let me have this ID back, and maybe we can go get a drink together sometime? Elsewhere, of course.” You may even try to casually touch the bouncer’s arm, which he will subsequently threaten to break. This tactic is not recommended, as the bouncer has been standing outside for hours in the cold, watching drunk people go inside his venue to have a better night than he will. The flirt tactic probably won’t work unless you guarantee the bouncer a big fat orgasm kiss. But, you never know — a Bouncer-Boyfriend could be magic if he let’s you and your friends cut the line.
The Melt Down: We’ve all seen that drunk girl from Long Island/New Jersey break down and cry when she’s not allowed inside a bar or club. She’ll say it’s her birthday (which the bouncer will call as a bluff when he notices the date doesn’t match the fake ID she just handed him), explain how this is the worst fucking day ever, her dog just died last year, and she really just needs this ID back, as it was her friend’s. She’s the first person to start bribing the bouncer. This entire tactic is guaranteed to fail. You’re going to embarrass yourself, make the bouncer more upset, and definitely go home sans faux identification. Keep your shit together; it’s just an ID. It’s not a de jure key to the city.
The Sneaky Motherfucker: I once heard a story where a bouncer turned down an ID, and the friend showed him his credit card to prove the names matched. The bouncer still didn’t buy it, so the friend had another friend text him and pretend to be his parent. The rejected bar-goer changed the other friend’s name on his contact list to “Mom” and had the friend text him saying, “My son is from x state on x road and his birthday is on x date. He’s not lying.” The little manipulator was surprisingly allowed inside. This gambit might work once in a thousand attempts, but it could make a great story. Remember, though: Bouncers aren’t dumb.
The Thinks-He’s-Suave Befriender: There’s always that drunken kid who thinks he’s just smooth enough to talk the bouncer into giving back a snatched ID. He’s the same guy who tells the bouncer to scan his ID after it’s been rejected, to which the bouncer will respond, “Scanners are wrong; I’m not.” This young salesman will stumble in close to the bouncer’s ear and slur something like, “Hey man, we’re both chill dudes. Think you can do me a solid and give me the ID back? There’s a girl inside I really like and you’d be doing me a huge solid.” This whippersnapper will definitely walk home alone that night with a pit-stop at Dollar Slice (because duh).
The Straight Talker: This might be your best bet. Remember, you lied to a bouncer’s face and are now trying to convince him you’re a nice person and that he should do you a favor. Honesty might work. The Straight Talker will say “Listen, I’m sorry I lied. I just wanted to see a friend inside. If you give me my ID back I promise not to come back here.” This still probably won’t work, but it’s the most direct and bullshit-free way to talk to a bouncer, which I’m sure they’ll appreciate more than pleading. If this doesn’t work, try going up to the bouncer later once things have calmed and asking him again nicely.
We have all witnessed one of the above types. We have all been one of these types at least once. The fake ID rejection night is an essential New York City right of passage. It sucks, Europe is clearly more conducive for partying when you’re a freshman, and that’s one reason why you should study abroad during sophomore year. NYU Local is not advocating bribery or even the use of fake IDs, but we feel your pain. Don’t spend too much on your ID, because you’ll have to pay a lot more to successfully bribe your golden ticket back into your wallet.